Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Thought of You Today


(for Ashley Savannah Young)

Pictured catching you up 
on my life

What can I say but 
you wouldn’t know me

Is this why I still carry 
a piece of you riding shotgun 
in my heart

To imagine through your 
vicarious eyes  
and fall in love

with myself?



(originally written August 11, 2015)

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Think about 70s plots

How simplistic they were
Why?
The limitations in technology?
Or the limitations in thinking?

"The Boob Tube" exposed as stimulant
Not the sedative after all
Shorter attention span means quicker
Connections which means quicker
Synapses which means quicker
Thinking, our brains percolate,
Cogitate and fizz, paranoia 
Has become our home state

Monday, February 16, 2015

Those Moments

when you think nothing
Is going on?

Your soul can be found there.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

In a Nut Shell

In the beginning there was only the experience.
The simple joy of sensation

Suddenly an object
Remarked upon
Imprisoned by observation

Then remarking about the remarks
So far from the point it was entirely hidden
By its own obscurity

The essential joy of being alive

Reduced to this

"She scheduled time in her calendar to be present."

Sunday, January 11, 2015

You think

You think change is finite
A flip of a switch
A decision made
On - off

Rather it is the inelegant
Maneuvering of a baby colt
Or first lesson skier
A practice
or rehearsed improvement

Monday, December 8, 2014

I Got It Back Again Today

That little piece of me
you should never give away.
I forgot
me

I'm here now .....


Thursday, November 27, 2014

Life is

being submerged in(to) this fleshy body 

feeling all of these 

sensations ……

and learning to say 


yes.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Always

The relationship

the experience = my mind

the experience = my mind


I (want) love and acceptance


So why?

I have seen the enemy

and she is

(me)



Where are you ....

My love?

Tonight is a night where my breath

is short with anticipation of you.

Tonight our very sweat

would alight,

flame like flambé.


I've never met you, but


I've imagined creatures into

my life before.  Cats who

wish to be petted by my chin.

One or two's taste for caress

complimented nearly exactly

my skill set.


Why not you?

Saturday, September 6, 2014

The Inherent Problem

Isn't that we try
To buy
Another's love.

It's that we try
To buy
Our own belief

We're worthy
Of it.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Positive Affirmations .....

For a moment ....

I caught this glimpse of myself ....

like an adult Pippi

Longstocking in her

woebegone house up on stilts ...

awkward and clumsy, yet

so full of life ....


beautiful really .....

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Grief is ......

a factoid I noticed,
it might as well have been
in footnote 32 of page 118,
in a book, long out of print.

it seemed only I
was destined to see,
notice it for you,
who would have loved

it.  So I file it away
in the cache that is
my heart.  Another
bit of information

I don't need, but
cannot lose.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Over dinner ....


Over dinner we decided the four-year-old in the red Popeye shirt was the devil.  It was somehow more than just he was a rotten little shit.

A blonde three-year-old suddenly threw her head back, a shriek raising from her gaping mouth like a swarming column of bees.

"It was him.  That devil boy.  He spun her and hurt her."

I hadn't witnessed that.  What I had seen was a girl suddenly possessed.  A last frame from an old horror show, rather than the lazy Sunday afternoon of beer and song I had come to expect.

I had been distracted.  My ex sat eight feet in front of me and I tried not to judge him.  Not judge like "you dirty bastard."  Rather the soul killing variety of "who looks happier."

Parents rushed out to the stage to sweep the blonde queen back to their hive.  She returned moments later, all smiles again.

The children danced like a trailer from a seventies movie.  One in six actually gyrated to the beat.

And then .... I pulled my mother's credit card from the depths of my utilitarian pouch I use as a purse. I handed it off to a friend, my mouth falling slack jawed and open as if a sorcerer had conjured her in front of me.

"Look at the expiration date."

It couldn't be more recent than 2007, but I was somehow certain without looking it said the 1980's.

That same pouch carried a bent and forgotten piece of 35mm color negative film.  Three dogs, all Mike, and, in negative form, an unidentifiable cat.  Squirreled away like treasure talismans.  I couldn't begin to fathom when I might have done that.  Yet, I use that bag frequently.  Surely I would have reached in that particular pouch.

My life is now charmed.  The universe whispers in my ears and I try to learn from her lessons.

I slipped the talismans back where I found them.

I await my next astonishment.


Sunday, March 23, 2014

Family Tradition or Ritual (Writer'sWorkshopAssignment)

I'm a blank

In my family secrecy was tradition.  Judgement was tradition.  Bush, Reagan and John Wayne loving Republicans was tradition.  WWII was THE Great War and I was a dumb kid.

Tradition.

My mother once gave me, I think I was six or seven, detailed instructions on how, should I ever run into my aunt, uncle or cousins, I was to pretend not to see them.

But what if they see me?

They won't.

But......

I lived in fear of running into my own extended family.

Until my uncle became my school bus driver.

"Hello Pumpkin". He said as I boarded the bus.

I half slunk, half scooted to the back of the bus.

Old Me/New Me (A Writer's Workshop Exercise)

I used to be dead inside.  Now I cry ... A lot  ....   I don't know why I cry so much.  It is certainly more than simply losing a boyfriend.  More than losing my parents. 

I cry both with positive and negative stimuli.  I lie down in my couch, positioned to wail and last only seconds.  I sit in a room of 400 people at a workshop I joined to affirm all of my dreams - my very existence and during a writing exercise, I blink back tears, fearful if they get a good toehold, they will never end.

I cry and wonder why it is such a bad thing.  Why it is such a shameful thing.  Why I feel the need to hide it.

I think of my parents and realize.

I don't think I ever really saw either of them cry.

Just another gift they never gave me.  

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Something Happened

On the way to being yours
I kept taking my own measure
And deciding I was leaving you
Short, I would try to grow

Something happened
On the way to being yours

While trying to love you as well
As you deserved, I built a woman
I thought could love you best
But now she's mine

I love her
Thank you

She became me

Monday, March 17, 2014

Sometimes II

Simply noticing that my own handwriting
is as neat as "the teacher's on the chalkboard"

the stupid archaic benchmark of a 40 year old child

is just enough

to make me smile

Sunday, March 9, 2014

and for a moment

After hours of bracing her
7 year old legs
Against the incoming wave
Later in the car, she realized
"I still feel"

"The sensation"

She could see nothing wrong
With a world where you
Could love something hard
Enough and long enough
That you could carry a bit of it

Back home with you
To borrow

For awhile

Life is

That old Vaudeville routine

Almost exactly

..........

"Niagara Falls!"

Slowly, I turned


Thursday, February 27, 2014

What connects us

The other day something happened
Nothing bad, it was really funny
And I thought how much my dad
Would have liked this story

And in that moment

I really missed him